Honestly, it's for me.

I was thinking about why I even have a blog.
but I think I just needed to acknowledge that this means something to me. 
to be fair, a lot of these have been no more than a paragraph.
a lot of them have been pointless drivel.
a lot of them, from the heart.
a lot of them won't make it to the big show.
they've seen me grow.
physically,
emotionally,
spiritually,
intelligently,
and just about every way.
they've seen the best of hope,
the worst of despair.
the best of me,
the worst.
the strongest,
and the weakest.
they've seen me post, only to take it away for feeling too whiny.
they've surprised me. they're just words, but at the same time, they're so much more.
A release, I sleep better with a clear mind.
At least I thought I did.

Miserable At Best.

if you're reading this,
you're alive.
If that's not something to smile about,
then I don't know what is.

Cry of the Wild

Wonderous foilage, plush and deep.
Glowing eyes, barely hear them creep.
Maybe a snake, into the earth it bore?
or perhaps a tiger, silent without roar?

"Fear! It's man!" cried from the top of the tree.
The limbs now rustle, creatures now flee.
"Wait I want to study you!", she cries;

but the creatures are doubtful, after all man lies.

Then from the silence a grayed gorilla appears.
"Just keep your distance,"
he says; "I still have my fears."
"You fear me! How could that be true?!
Why you're wild, ferocious! I'm much smaller than you!"

"Indeed you are smaller, but as for ferocious and wild...
man is no comparison, he beats us by a mile!
While lion and man both hunt and kill in a pack,
the lion is driven by hunger, man the joy of attack!"

"What you are saying of man sadly is right;
but some of us," she said "for you we will fight."

The old gorilla raised his head, paused and squinted both his eyes.
"Rumor has been told of man," he said "in whom such goodness lies.
You're the first I have seen, your kind comes seldom and few...
the earth would be much better, if there were more man like you."

Here in this moment

I am becoming a different person
I'm not sure if it's a good thing yet
But Its something that I gained
from you ripping my heart out

If you could have showed me
6 months ago this would be us 
I would of stopped somewhere
between Hello and Forever

I could have saved alot of your time


"and i said, if the answer is no,
can i change your mind? 
-change your mind, the killers"

.

Sometimes,
All It takes is time.

Sometimes,
It takes alot of time.

Sometimes,
it's worth fighting for.

Sometimes,
things won't be the same.

Sometimes,
You get what you want.

Sometimes,
It's not that easy.

Sometimes,
We need alone.

Sometimes,
It'd be nice to feel warmth.

Sometimes,
There's no happy ending.

Sometimes
Just get over it.

Sometimes,
Someone takes the best out of you.

Sometimes,
You've gotta accept that.

Sometimes,
We have regrets.
We will relaspe.
We will forgive.

Sometimes, 
You can't replace it.  
You can't escape it.
You should forget it.

We Can't.
    
Sometimes,
Fuck.

Sometimes,
Nothing is better than something.

Sometimes,
Nothing hurts more than something.

Sometimes,
it takes every fiber of your being not to let go.

Sometimes,
You feel bad for feeling mad.

Sometimes,
You wonder if you still care anymore.

Sometimes,  
Everything you said, I miss.

What am I waiting for?

I don't know.
something amazing.
I guess.

But tomorrow,
at this time, i will be back home.

I'll write something insightful,
wordy, and heartwrenching,
but right now,
i'm just excited.


and i'm just gonna go with that.

a necessary heartbreak.

I've never let someone in, until you.

Noone will get that close to me again,
Not even you.

The Madman and His Best Friend

Have you ever taken a journey to the dark side of someone's soul?
It's quiet yet deafeningly loud, pitchblack while blinding, hot as hell and so cold.

Closed in walls, black as black, you can barely move so you creep;
But on closer examination the corners run not together merging instead into the deep.

Madman screaming out for mercy, "unleash these chains of my knotted, twisted mind!"
Then he cries out of truest agony, knowing the bondage is of his own making every time.

Head beating against the wall, eyes rolling backward within his head.
Has he escaped? No, that's not likely-entombed before he's dead!

"Momma help me, Momma help me! I'm so scared of this place!"
Rock-a-bye, rock-a-bye his callused hands comforting his own face.

"Momma cannot help you," a stone cold voice stated from deeper yet within.
"This is between just you and I, and you know who'll always win."

"So fret no more my best friend, I've the cure for your quivering hand;
and you know the cure just as well as I-we've been here time and again."

Slowly crawling across the floor, trembling body leaning against the wall;
the madman cries, "Humans have backbones, they can stand, but not me, all I ever do is fall."

From the deep came comfort, "I know my love that's why I do not want you so far from the ground;
and that's why I said we need some more cure now so we don't come crashing down."

"You are right, you always know best," madman replies to his inner friend with a 'yes'.
"I can almost see the end table now just a few more seconds, I'm doing my best."

"Indeed you are my dear, you're doing so well," his friend supports "no one should say you are strung..."
Why you're functioning normal, where do they get off?! It's never your fault when things come undone!"

"And as for their comments who gave them the rights to your life?
They know not one thing about your stress and your personal strife."

"I bet no one could handle the things you deal with as you so craftily do.
Maybe they are jealous and like to pull you down-you decide which is true..."

Madman exhausted and sweating reaches the table and says, "Yes, you are right as a matter of fact..
No one loves me and I don't need them anymore so long as you've always got my back."

"Now, now surely you jest," assured his inner friend "you are the only one I live for;
You worry too much, you need to relax, hey this time you should try a little more."

"Last time it wasn't enough, euphoria didn't stay long, a larger dose will keep it around;
but stay by the table so you can have more fast to keep you from coming down."

"Yeah that's it, see you're starting to feel fine, but you know the high is not very strong;
I know, how 'bout this- take some more while you're up, then again to make it last long."

"I don't know," worried the madman,"I've never done that before, wouldn't it be too much?"
"Do you doubt me?" said the friend, "I'll always have your back; what happens to you happens to us."

"So true," said the madman, " we are always together; no one nor anything will come between you and I;
You love me, you comfort me, and without you I could not imagine getting by."

"You flatter me dear," replied the inner friend, "now come on what are you waiting for?"
Your hands are trembling, your body drips sweat, it's past time you did more."

"See, you need it to make it, you deserve to relax; let's quickly do one more again!"
The trembling over, eyes roll to the back, no communication between the friends.

Floating in no where because that's where he wants to be.
No worries, no one, no thoughts, no emotions, no need.

"Pssst, can you hear me?" asked his friend, "Can you hear me say take another?"
The message was clear, there was no need to hear-one's thoughts belonging to the other.

Together forever, best friends for life, a bond no outsider could break.
And with the last dose euphoria came-the kind that becomes one's fate.

Then they lay back against the wall, trembling over, the madman and his only best friend.
Yes his friend had his back, but it was against the wall, and he kept it there right to the end.

Today.

Today I got a glimpse of reality
A cold shower
A wake up call from the nation
The Few, The Proud.

I thought about calling you
I felt happy
I felt whole
I almost forgot what normal felt like

I walked in the street
I thought about life
I thought about moving
And a lamp went out as I walked under it

I decided to stop and smell the flowers
I picked one and hung it-
upsidedown from a string
I'll find a safe place for it once it's dry

Tonight i'm going to bed late
I had some thinking to do
a few things to consider before I sleep
a few things to consider before I leave

I decided not worry about the little things
I decided
I decided
I decided

A long road i hope to take again.

I like to walk under the stars,
Humming the tune to my favorite songs
Enjoying the cool of spring wind
But,
I still can't wait till June
New Season, New State.

A fresh start.

I like the thought of walking new streets,
Finding home somewhere unexpected,
Discovering a world outside,
Where ignorance is bliss,
And people cherish it.

I've realized there’s a place on this street,
Where the road ends, I think I'll turn around.
But,
Probably not.

New Year, New Month, New Day.

Scattered words and empty thoughts,
seem to pour from my heart.
I've never felt so torn before,
Seems I don't know where to start.

My days blend together.
My nights come and go.
I don't feel happiness anymore.
I feel I've reached the bottom,
of what once seemed a bottom-less pit.

Who drew the rain cloud over my head?
What good is love when it is not returned?
When will this year turn around?
Where did my wall crack and collapse?
Why did I wear my heart on your sleeve?

Rambling again.